1. I can't believe the Bears just lost the superbowl, there must be some mistake, this isn't happening! Someone must have paid the refs! The Colts are on steroids! Were those french figure skating refs? Maybe the real game is next week, yeah, this can't be real, must be a dream, I'll wake up soon.
2. What the bleep! The bleeping defense couldn't stop anything, damn them, damn them to hell! And come on, make a fricking tackle! Catch the fricking ball! What, another fumble! Bleeping overpaid donkeys! My rabbit could block better than that! That's it, I am done with these jackasses, done, D-U-N done, I give up on these losers, overpaid crybaby can't tackle losers!
3. OK, come on, I'll trade you, you can let the Cubs not make the playoffs for the next 100 years, let Cal win the big game, let Duke win the NCAA tourney, I don't care, come on, we can make a deal! Here, take my helium lab, I don't care, I'll make you first author on this paper I am writing, you can have my office, let's just go back and end the game 30 seconds into the first quarter. No one will know! We can do this, just a little favor for a friend!
4. I can't believe this, I'll never be able to recover. I think I'll call in sick tomorrow, drink my sorrows away. It is dark outside, like in my soul. Will the sun ever shine again? Not on me it won't. Darkness, sadness, Mazzy Star and Hank Williams, Stan Rogers' First Christmas, that movie "Leaving Las Vegas", Ben Harpers first album..Sniff sniff, how could this happen, and why does this always happen to me !?!? (now picture me with my fists raised up towards the sky cursing the world, then breaking down into a fetal position and crying, just like Jimmy Bakker, in the rain, alone, with people laughing at me, very very sad).
5. It's OK, it's just a game where millionaires run into each other for 60 minutes, and Prince wasn't that bad, and that "Mapasaurus" commercial, that was kind of funny, and hell, it beats picking apatites all day. I can get through this. Next year, Grossman will be better, Urlacher will be back, our defensive line will be healthy.... I'll be OK. March Madness is almost here, things will be OK. It's just a stupid game, right?